In my last post I mentioned family connection. However, you will not want to connect if you do not possess family love. To have this, you must be absolute and totally non-judgmental.
Your relations are entitled to live the life they choose. They don’t belong to you and you don’t belong to them. We all get what we deserve, good and bad, depending on the decisions we make.
The only way we can learn from our mistakes is to make mistakes.
If one of your family members does something that you do not agree with, then acknowledge what that is and, without any attachment to it, don’t support it, just stay in your space. There is no need for judgment or a reaction to it. You just respond with, “Isn’t that interesting?”
Everyone has their own interpretation of how they should behave in any given moment and trying to control someone is a waste of your energy and time. Arguing with someone when you do not agree with him or her is a form of control.
The only response we can have is questioning his or her behavior and finding out the meaning behind it. Just because people don’t see the world as you do, does not mean they do not deserve your love.
Family love means being supportive of the things you agree with and questioning the things that you don’t.
I have three lovely, grown and this has been my motto for quite a while now. I have seen our relationship blossom and grow, with our love for each other becoming stronger and stronger with each passing day.
And let me tell you, there has been many a time when I have given my support and many a time when I have asked many a question. This strategy works. They all feel acknowledged, understood and loved, with no “blame game” as daughters. I feel loved as a father, preparing and guiding them, so they may make better choices in their future if they choose to follow my suggestions.
Now that they are adults, we get to swap places. They support me when they agree with me and question my behavior when they do not. It’s incredibly satisfying when our end in mind is helping each other achieve the best that we can.
I remember the first time my adult children called me and said, “We need to talk.” I was so proud. I had been drumming into them what they called “my lectures” for most of their lives and now they wanted to give me a “lecture”.
I obviously had done something they did not agree with, and they wanted to question me about my behavior. To say that I was a little nervous would be an understatement.
I had created and still was working on a new website I had not discussed with them yet. Their friend had found this on the internet. They were hurt and embarrassed that other people knew before they did and wondered why I did not share this with them at the time. The way they handled it was just the way I had hoped.
They handled it just like a caring family, wanting to clear up rather than drag down. I explained I was still working on the project and did not think it was important yet to bring it up. I said it was a long term goal that might takes years to achieve.
They indicated they felt hurt because I did not want to share the things I was working on in my life. We agreed we were both right and hugged and kissed when we ended our meeting. It was one of the proudest moments of my life as a father.
You see, in a proper win/win situation, there is no such thing as a winner; there is only synergy at the end of the discussion.