There is a ten letter word that most women say that men have a problem with, and that word is commitment.
In my opinion, the reason is because men and women have different interpretations of what commitment is.
A man is likely to be happy with a live-in relationship or just a plain relationship. A woman is more likely to want marriage, children and a home to live in forever.
Commitment is an essential part of the love game because it demonstrates that two people are wanting and willing to share their life together intimately.
The problem arises when you fall in love with a person who clearly is not committed to you. You are okay with that until, at some point, you feel differently and want more out of the relationship, but your partner is not forthcoming.
You should try finding out her or his criteria for commitment once you are in a relationship for longer than three months. Then if she or he is not ready for commitment, it is not such a catastrophe for you to deal with when the time comes.
I once knew two people who married and were ready to spend their lives together. However, a few years later, the wife found out the husband did not want children. She had to deal with a catastrophe. She was forced into a position of deciding whether children really were important to her future.
Sadly, they were, and another divorce statistic was created. Have your life planned out with what you really are willing to commit to and what you are not. Let the rest be on the borderline. When you do, make the time to have a conversation about your plans so you can move on if you wish without too much pain.
Another quality usually high on the woman’s list is being non-judgmental.
She constantly is looking for someone who will not judge her. Have you ever told someone to stop being so judgmental, and she or he responds with, “I am not. You’re the one who is being judgmental.”
I have found that often, if someone does not like a particular negative trait in your personality, that person has the same trait.
When people are angry because you shouted at them, they usually do a lot of shouting themselves. When they are asking you to stop being so jealous, they can’t stop being jealous about you. My partner Amy, with whom I have been in a relationship for nearly eight years, cannot understand why I am not jealous about her when she is jealous about me; because if she is jealous, she expects me to be the same.
She seems to think something is not quite right. I know how she feels. Many years ago, before I overcame my own jealousy, I constantly argued about this subject until I realized she did not have the problem — I did.
Being non-judgmental really means having respect and the acceptance that everyone is entitled to their own opinion without judgment, ridicule or adversity.
Sometimes this can be challenging, especially when your buttons are being pushed to the max. What if someone said to you your children are nothing but little brats? How would you react?
A) Tell them to mind their own business and possibly make the situation worse?
B) Begin to defend yourself and your children by starting an aggressive argument and giving reasons why they are not?
C) Just shrug it off, saying, “Thank you for your opinion,” and ignore them?
In my experience, a minority would choose “C”.
You see, the other responses come from a judgmental space. You are assuming what they are saying is true and you feel the need to defend yourself to prove it is not.
The first and second responses commonly are called, “coming from the ego”, and the third “coming from the spirit”.
For many years, I alternated my responses, using “A” and “B”, and felt quite agitated at the end of the situation. It would ruin my whole day and even the whole weekend sometimes. And usually that is the reaction they are expecting and wanting.
Now, what if you take a different approach?
What if you take a deep breath, look at the person saying the comment, and calmly think to yourself, “This person is not coming from a place that I want to be a part of.” Just reply, “Thank you for your opinion,” and continue with what you were doing.
You stay detached from the situation. It leaves you feeling in total control and at peace. The bonus is the other person will not know exactly how to behave. You might even leave with their respect.
You can apply this strategy with all situations in any area of your life where someone makes a negative remark about you, even including your family members. I encourage you to try the “C” response. Once you do, you will be amazed at the results. I am convinced you never will go back to your old habits of “A” and “B”.
Commitment and being Non-Judgmental can be learned and, if used, can increase your happiness jar.